“…And you like accept?”

(At a narcotics anonymous (NA) meeting)

Counselor: So the truth is, we can’t change the past, what’s done is done. We got to own our actions, but putting ourselves on trial, acting as our own judge, jury, and executioner is not the answer.  Because a lot of the time all that judging does is ensure we’re going to repeat the cycle. Right? “I’m such an asshole, it’s totally hopeless, what’s the point, I think I’ll have a hit.”

(3 minutes later Jesse talks about putting down a “problem dog” and other group members start criticizing him)

Counselor: Maybe it’s not the details that matter right? How’d you feel about what you did Jesse?

Jesse: I don’t know.

Colleen (group member): Who cares how you feel? What kind of person kills a dog for no reason? You put an ad in the paper, you drop him off at a shelter, you don’t just sit there talking about killing a helpless, innocent animal. 

Counselor: Colleen! We’re not here to sit in judgment.

Jesse: Why not? why not? Maybe she’s right. You know maybe I should of put it in the paper. Maybe I should of done something different. The thing is, if you just do stuff and nothing happens, what’s it all mean. What’s the point? O right, this whole thing is about self-acceptance.

Counselor: Kicking the hell out of yourself doesn’t give meaning to anything.

Jesse:  So I should stop judging…and accept.

Counselor: It’s a start!

Jesse:  So no matter what I do, hooray for me because I’m a great guy?! It’s all good?! No matter how many dogs I kill I just do an inventory and accept? I mean you back up your truck over your own kid and you like accept? What a load of crap!

In the show Breaking Bad, there’s a character named Jesse who had done some terrible deed in the past that all throughout the season, he was experiencing bouts of PTSD. He never had someone to talk to about it until finally he went back to his old NA meetings. In the scene Jesse talks vaguely about “killing a dog” as a metaphor for his crime, so group members started asking for the details and why, but it was only the counselor who realized that stuff is trivial. Jesse wasn’t necessarily upset at the deed he did, but that no bad consequences came from it. His hands were washed clean. As the TV critic Seth Amitin wrote, “ He wasn’t punished and there’s no moral to the story. The universe is chaos. And so he punished himself.”

Powerful powerful scene.